


The Robber Bridegroom

by just_ann_now



Category: Swordspoint Series - Ellen Kushner
Genre: Gap Filler, Gen, Humor, Introspection, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 20:57:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_ann_now/pseuds/just_ann_now
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hoped his mother never found out. She'd sent him to the city to become a swordsman, not a highway robber.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Robber Bridegroom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Brigdh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brigdh/gifts).



> Note 1: Dear reader, if you are looking for a story about the actual fairy tale, ["The Robber Bridegroom"](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Robber_Bridegroom_\(fairy_tale\)), this is not that story. Sorry! I just loved the title. 
> 
> Note 2: Happy Yuletide, Brigdh! I hope you enjoy this treat as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

"And you promise the lady won't be hurt, or dishonored in any way?" Richard asked.

"I promise," the nobleman repeated patiently. Or his voice seemed patient; it was difficult for Richard to tell for sure, because the nobleman was wearing a mask. "She's my—her parents are opposed to my suit, for some reason; nothing to do with me, something from the distant past, I think. They are planning to ship her off to her aunt’s to keep us apart. I was thinking - " he leaned forward, lowering his voice, and Richard had to strain forward to hear. "If her carriage were to be attacked by highwaymen, and I just happened to come along at that time and rescue her - " he straightened up. "I would be a hero, and then all their objections would disappear like that!" He snapped his fingers. 

"It's a good plan," Barner said, nodding, but then, he was already half-sozzled by the time the nobleman had arrived. Richard would have had to have drunk quite a bit more, he thought, to catch up to the point where he'd be at that level of agreement. But he was new to the City, what did he know? Perhaps this was how all the nobles courted each other, with fake abductions. He'd certainly seen any number of strange things already. 

“All right, I’m in,” Richard said. The rent was due, after all, and as pleasant as his landlady was, it just wasn’t proper for him to keep climbing up the drainpipes and sneaking into his room to avoid her just because he was low on money.

*****

_Just my luck_ , Richard thought. After a week of gloriously sunny days, the day of the so-called abduction dawned wet and miserable.  He’d hoped to sleep in, hearing the rain pattering all night on the roof, but the ragged boy had come with the message just after dawn: _Today. Grantham's Notch, at noon._

He stopped first at the Daw's Nest to rouse Barner out of bed, with apologies to the sleepy-eyed whore who answered his knock, then continued on to the livery to rent the horses using the bit of money the noble, Alintyre, had left him. For a ridiculous plan, it _was_ fairly well organized, though he wished that the weather could have been as well arranged. He’d have to be careful to keep his sword well scabbarded and dry. He wasn’t about to ruin it on a job like this; on the other hand, he wasn’t about to leave it behind, either—that was unthinkable. And who knows but that they might not run into some actual trouble. He’d need it then.  

They rode up to the hills. Alintyre had drawn a sketch of the best place for them to wait, a grassy rise just before a curve in the road. They would be able to see the coach coming in the distance, then stop it when it came around the blind curve. Alintyre himself would be waiting not too far off, ready to ride in and rescue his ladylove.

There was nothing to do now but tie the horses, hunker down in the rain, and wait. 

“Drink?” Barner asked, pulling out a leather flask. Richard shook his head. He needed to stay alert, on top of his game, though this certainly wasn’t the kind of job he was really looking for. He'd fallen in with Barner at a seedy tavern called Martha's, and done a bit of housebreaking with him because he needed the money. He had no idea how Alintyre had heard of them, and it was probably better than he didn't know. 

But Alintyre _was_ a noble, after all, and might need a swordsman one day. Richard wanted to make a good impression. He thought perhaps he already had; Alintyre had trusted him with arranging for the horses, and had handed over the money without a question. Richard almost felt that they needed more than two people, but then, they might have ended up with someone else like Barner, so it was probably just as well that they hadn't.  

It rained. They waited. “Drink?” Barner asked again, and this time, Richard was almost tempted. He’d wrapped his cloak around himself, but it hadn’t really helped to keep him dry. Perhaps with some of this money he could buy himself one of those oilcloth cloaks, but, on the other hand, if he wasn't going to make a career of lying in the wet grass, waiting to attack carriages, he probably wouldn't really need one. And that kind of cloak would just get tangled up with his sword, anyway. He hadn't practiced with heavy cloaks much, back at home. He really needed to be more comfortable with the sword before he made additions to his wardrobe. And those cloaks didn't look all that warm, either. 

The rain seemed to lessen up. _Finally_ , Richard thought, and then he could hear the clacking of the carriage below them on the road. 

"Saddle up, boy," Barner grinned, showing jagged yellow teeth. "It's showtime." 

_Wait a minute,_ , Richard thought, _Shouldn't we have masks? And what the hell else have we forgotten?_ But then they were on their horses, and the carriage was coming around the curve, and it was too late for any more planning.  


"Heeya!" Barner cried, reaching up toward the driver to grab the reins from his hands. "Heeya!" 

From the corner of his eye Richard could see Barner pull himself up to the driver's box. There was a struggle, and then Barner pulled a truncheon from his belt and cracked the driver over the head. The driver slumped sideways, groaning, and Barner took control of the carriage, pulling the horses to a stop.

But then Richard had his own concerns. "OH MY HEAVENS!" the footman was shouting. "WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!" He jumped down from the carriage and fumbled with his sword, waving it about like a poorly-trained actor in a street festival show.

_What the hell?_ Richard thought. _He's supposed to be a bodyguard?_ Then in a flash he understood it all: the nobleman's breezy assertion that only two "highwaymen" were needed, the footman's ludicrous announcement and his utter uselessness with the sword. They were in on it, too. 

"Yow!" the footman yelled as Richard's blade spun his own out of his hands. "That stings! I surrender!" He placed his hands on his head and plopped himself down under a tree. _Good grief,_ Richard thought. Then he turned his attention to what was going on with the carriage. 

Barner had opened the door of the coach. "Out, please," he said to the passengers. He helped out the first one, a sour-faced old woman, and then turned to the other, a pretty, pert-nosed young girl. “Well, well,” he said, holding her just a moment too long, caressing her about the waist. “Aren't you a sweet little thing? How's about a little kiss?” He reached clumsily for her, but she struggled, and his fingers splayed heavily across her bodice. She shrieked, and to Richard, that shriek sounded entirely genuine. 

Richard grabbed Barner by the back of his collar and yanked him out of the carriage, throwing him to the ground. He held his sword to the man's throat. "What the hell are you doin', boy?" Barner muttered. "D'un't this have to look realistic?"

Richard looked at the young lady. Tears ran down her cheeks, and her breath was coming in great gulping sobs. The old woman wrapped her arms around her and glared at Barner, looking fit to kill. 

Suddenly there was the pounding of hoofbeats. "Eileen" Alintyre cried. "Eileen! I'll save you!" He jumped down from his horse, and the young lady threw herself into his arms. 

"There was to be no hurt or insult towards the women," Richard said, through gritted teeth. His blade was barely a hair's-breadth from Barner's skin. "If you hadn't been drinking - "

"Come on," Barner choked out the words, his eyes darting toward the nobleman. "I didn't mean nothing by it, I swear."

"Richard." He heard Alintyre as if from a hundred miles away. "Richard," Alintyre said again. "That's enough."

Richard stepped back from Barner. "Get out of here," he said with disgust. The man scrambled up to a crouch, then crab-scuttled away into the woods. 

Richard turned to Alintyre. The young lady, the old woman, Alintyre, the footman and the driver were all gaping at him. It was a moment like one of those paintings he'd seen when, on a whim, he'd visited the Great Hall at the University – figures frozen in time. 

Then, "Well done, and thank you," Alintyre said. "Let's get back to town now, shall we? These ladies -" he gestured toward them, and the old woman, incongruously, grinned, "have had quite a shock. I'm sure Lord Nestor will be happy to have his daughter and his aunt safely returned home." 

"Damn right," the old woman said. "Where'd you find that jackass, anyway? He nearly botched the whole thing." She poked about in her reticule. "Good thing I refilled this before we left home," she said, pulling out a silver flask. "Whiskey, anyone?" she asked. Hearing no reply, she took a swig herself. 

"Aunt Natalie!" The young woman gasped, then buried her face again in Alintyre's shoulder. 

"It's all right, my darling," he murmured, patting her gently on the back. 

_Yes, let's get back,_ Richard thought. I've had enough of this farce. At least it's not raining any more. 

__Richard helped the footman tie the horse that Barner had ridden to the back of the coach. Aunt Natalie handed the driver a food hamper, and then a small purse. "We'll see you in few hours," she told him. "Be sure to come up with a good story. That knob on your noggin should help, at least. " The driver laughed, and he and the footman waved goodbye._ _

__The young lady rode with Alintyre, of course, the two of them looking quite cozy and comfortable. She seemed to have gotten over her fright. Richard helped Aunt Natalie up onto his horse, and mounted behind her. She shifted herself around, getting comfortable, then she reached back and squeezed Richard's haunches, throwing her head back and laughing like a mad thing. Richard was stunned at first - he'd been groped before, but never by a dowager noblewoman of advanced years - but after a moment he started to laugh, too. And then Alintyre and Eileen joined in, all four of them laughing as they turned back towards town._ _

*****

The tavern was noisy and crowded. Alintyre wasn’t masked this time, but his companion, a slim, pert-nosed figure, dressed in footman’s garb, was. _As if the footman needs to be masked, and not the nobleman,_ Richard thought, but didn't comment.

“This all turned out better than I could ever have imagined,” Alintyre said. He and his companion smiled at each other, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. _Lovesick,_ Richard thought, being careful not to roll his eyes. “I wish I had more money, to give you a bonus, but—here, take this.” He pulled off one of his rings, a square-cut emerald set in gold. His companion gasped, and Richard caught his breath. “You should be able to get a pretty penny for it, if you like, or just put it away for a rainy day." 

“Aunt Natalie was quite taken with you, as well," the "footman" said, giggling. "She says she’d be pleased to hire you as her bodyguard, should you ever tire of highway robbery."

" And I’ll be certain to recommend you, of course, if I ever hear of anyone needing a sword,” Alintyre added. 

_I sure as hell didn't get to show much of those skills,_ Richard thought, but then he smiled. “Just not as a highway robber, please. I’ve had enough of that for a long time," he said.


End file.
